It would be a serious understatement to say that this blog is long overdue. (This entry may be lengthy considering it's occurrence may be rare.)
My best friend had a baby girl last Thanksgiving Day, almost a year later it still feels surreal. It seems like yesterday we were living a block away from each other rendezvousing at the firehouse, being young and crazy. A part of me misses those days, but upon reflection I realize that these are just moments I truly cherish.
When she first told me she was getting hitched I was extremely skeptical, I always assumed the role of the pessimist and had nothing but fears & worries. I would be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn't being selfish & was okay with her moving. But it really revealed a lot of my own fears...growing up, changing our lives, construing distance as a threat to our friendship.
As much as "best friends forever" is cliche; I am actually exhibiting restraint because she is much more than a friend to me. I learned how to love unconditionally because of her. All the sh*t we have been through would have torn the strongest apart, but we endured & our friendship has permeated. I cannot say she is like a sister to me, that feeling is foreign to me but what is definite in my mind is that money and my busy life is never a means to keep me distant. My position at work keeps my schedule tight but nothing can "red light" me more when she needs me.
I was at work when I received the news: she is having a baby. For the first time in my life, I was actually speechless...anyone who knows me would find this hard to believe since I am a chatterbox by nature. An avalanche of feelings flowing through me: my usual fear and doubt...but after those filtered out of my mind, only excitement remained...like it was me having a baby!
My later reflections included "save money," "don't work too much" and "stop cursing." The bottom line was I felt I needed to improve myself and prepare for a new addition to our piggy group. Until her arrival, there were only 2 pigs in the pen and now there are 3.
At the hospital, I felt nervousness for my friend and I never felt her well-being more embedded in my concerns. While waiting with her mom, she expressed her apprehensions for her daughter...I almost did not know how to respond, it was like hearing a rendition of my thoughts. I tried my best to conceal this similarity that we momentarily shared to keep her calm, but I myself could barely sit still. I too was worried and scared, but hours later, looking through the glass at this wondrous little baby, diminished my negativity.
When I first held my goddaughter in my arms, it was a deja vu of speechlessness! It was...supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (can't believe I even remotely remember how to spell that) how one minute I can have so much doubt and worry for my friend, all that is transformed into hope and a looking glass to my pettiness. Surely I could not worry about her moving away after this miracle. I could only ask myself what is best for her and what will make her happy.
I did not expect to feel so abashed to have told my friend not to have children so early. The words "finish school" and "build a career" were bonking me on the head. I admit my biggest flaw is trying to instill my beliefs onto her (this would not be the first in our long history) but I really felt ass-inine. It felt absurd to have said "a baby would get in the way of building your dream", not realizing that this IS her dream and she has finally arrived.
I can admit that I always have loved being around children, their genuineness validates my hope in the good of humanity. Children do not know how to hate or discriminate, they are taught to. But amidst this adoration for children, I was never sure I wanted children of my own...I always thought of the many orphans in our country and all over the world, of the hate, pain and suffering in this world. In a nutshell, I could never fathom that I could ever be strong enough to raise a happy and healthy child against the odds of our society.
I felt fortunate and honored to be able to share this experience. I took on a huge responsibility upon myself and never felt more empowered & motivated. I reviewed my thoughts as I obsessively do and I realize I acquired an appreciation for having children. This is not to say I want to have children per se, but I truly understand and relate to the beauty and magic of it.
I find myself having random thoughts about my own future and what if I never choose to have children? The thought normally scares me, I would never want to regret not doing something, but seeing Arianna grow up happy and healthy would provide me just as much gratification. She is not even a year old yet and already she is teaching me how to be better!
I want to excel more at my job and exert constant effort to expand the company because of her, to save money to help pay for college (damn it she is going!), to be there for her when she is mad at mom (sorry Ang) and whatever tribulations that may obstruct her path.
I always thought a baby would be too much work, money and all things aimless. Touche~ I find myself wanting to improve so she can have the absolute best support with an array of options. As opposed to just being a money grubber, this is the type of motivation I am comfortable with.
To an outsider, perhaps I sound like an extravagant ranter...but I truly feel endowed. I am a lover of thought and reflection, this experience brings a myriad of new insights. Although my job has its excessive place in my priorities, stopping every once in awhile to smell the daisies (or in this context, nice baby smells) is now vital to me.
My friend has taught me the invaluable milestone of having a child...it changes you & shows our everyday blatant faults in former perceptions. I admire her strength & courage and have absolute love, utter adoration for you babe
So...from the pessimist who has ALWAYS proclaimed: the glass half empty instead of full...I now venture that the glass is actually half bigger than it needs to be!
But should you ever see your glass half empty, remember where the other half is.
I know you always say I am the strong one but I could never have done it~ Repeatedly bowing: "We are not worthy, we are not worthy!!!"
